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[12 Oct 2009|08:58pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Brett Dennen and whatever else Itunes shuffles |
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It's been one year since that night. The world tells you it changes everything... truth is, it changes nothing at all.
Don't go about thinking it's going to be some monumental moment with fireworks and butterflies, because if you do you're setting yourself up for disappointment. And if that's what you get, consider yourself among the lucky ones.
You will be the same person after as you were before.
The person and your relationship with them is what changes you...
Relationships are the most important thing to have in this world.
Whether they be filled with hate or love, whether they're healthy or not, whether they're between friends or lovers or enemies... they make you who you are, they are how you interact with your Mother Earth. Relationships change you... and this one changed me immeasurably for the better.
I can never thank you enough for helping to make me who I am today. I've never been so happy/ready/hopeful.
I'm comfortable with who I am today, because I learned from you.
What are you afraid of doing?
Go do that thing.
Who are you afraid of befriending?
Go befriend that person.
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[20 Sep 2009|05:31pm] |
Sometimes my heart gets so full of love it feels like it's going to explode.
I like that feeling.
I'm so grateful for this life I don't know how to express it.
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| ten |
[09 Jul 2009|12:14am] |
Ten things I am grateful for today (and everyday):
1. A family who loves me and I enjoy spending time with.
2. A home with warm beds and running water.
3. The health of myself and my family.
4. My church family.
5. Being so close with my grandparents and having all 4 of them in my life until I was 18.
6. My positive, loving mentality.
7. The ability and freedom to love anyone.
8. Inspiration in a variety of sources.
9. Dancing.
10. Hope College and everyone it has brought into my life; especially Kappa Beta Phi.
Thank you.
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| vent |
[07 Jul 2009|01:17am] |
I never expected to be so disappointed and disrespected by my favorite professor. Granted, I never expect to be disrespected by any professor because I make a point to respect them and find that it is commonly returned. This is truly shocking. I spent hours beyond what was required working on a project as a favor for her. I attended classes for no credit simply because I wanted to learn more from her. This is so out of character. It goes to show that I should not hold anyone to higher standards; we are all equally human... in the right circumstances we can all act defensively rather than graciously. But there is a fine line between defense and offense in this case, and I feel attacked.
Mama says that we must sometimes suffer because of other people's demons and I am once again in the line of fire. I am not threatening her job, I did not divorce her, I am not the reason for her pain. So, I will pray that her demons are subdued, that she realizes that I did not cause them, and that I have the patience and trust that she will keep her word and make this right. She is a beautiful, Godly woman, a phenom at what she does; this one upset does not erase that.
Patience is so hard. God keeps finding lessons for me on that subject and He will continue to until I learn to practice it. I have a feeling this will be a life long battle.
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| Forgiveness is the greatest kind of love there is. |
[21 Jun 2009|04:16pm] |
This summer is creeping along slowly.
People are not the same. But I am reminded why I love those Cville Critters with raves in the parking lot and good old fashioned dancing on the cars. These friends are different from my Hope friends. The two do not mix well. But I need them all for different reasons; Hope friends are for belly laughs and shoulders to cry on. Cville friends are for memories and to challenge and inspire me. I would not be me without both kinds. And God sends them in at just the right time.
I don't know why he's sending you back. There's probably a lesson in it. I'll learn it soon enough.
Practicing Gratitude everyday.
It's all about manners. http://teamsuperforest.org/superforest/?page_id=1446
Thank you Lord for this beautiful life.
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[01 Jun 2009|09:58pm] |
Problem solved.
The question answered itself... (I knew the answer all along, I just felt like fighting it.)
I'm too busy for your nonsense anyway.
But I'll miss those eyes and that body for sure.
I love my life. I love busy-ness. I love summer. I love love love dancing.
I impress myself.
Things are always looking up. Even higher than before.
-------oh yeah, and------
Number One-
I'm sorry about the other night... I can't keep doing things like that, like I did before. I'm trying to improve myself in the hopes of finding the right one.
Thank you for loving me so much all the time. I want the best for you. I know you're capable of so much. Please please achieve all those crazy dreams you're always telling me about. Your life is going to be one for the story books. I'm glad I'm a part of it.
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| I don't learn from my mistakes... |
[22 Apr 2009|12:56pm] |
or I do, I just choose to repeat them. I've mastered the art of screwing up just right; of getting what I want.
But at whose expense?
You're a good friend, I shouldn't be doing this to you.
I don't know what I'm doing!
I know exactly what I'm doing and I'm doing it with perfect precision.
Keep them hanging on but don't get attached, Kay.
There's my problem. (One of you has the ability to make me forget that I don't want to be attached. I know it, and I'm risking it anyway. Because I've already fallen for the idea of you and the jealousy they will have for me.)
Truth is: I just don't like sleeping alone.
God, why must it be so frustrating? I'm ready for the real thing. I think.
(the doubt is what's keeping me from it.)
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| ocho |
[21 Apr 2009|08:24pm] |
Here's to hoping that 8's still my lucky number.
Less than 2 weeks til I can begin to find out.
So mixed up.
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| indecision |
[13 Apr 2009|02:23am] |
Damn you for looking like you do:
with that mischievous smile and those sparkling eyes;
your childlike playfulness and fidgety hands;
and oh my, that sensual touch.
How am I supposed to say no to that?
I'm slipping to the place I know I shouldn't go, the place where heartbreaks happen.
But I'm not letting go completely. Taking your word at face value... one day at a time.
Pumpkin Soup.
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[07 Apr 2009|01:30pm] |
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I was mistaken... he is like the others.
I must have some sort of allure I don't mean to have.
So now I have a collection of them I don't mean to have. But I'm not complaining... it'll do until I find what I'm looking for.
The fun one for school and the sexy one for home. And if the 3rd one wants to visit, they'll have to fight over me. And if the 4th one wants in on the action, all he has to do is say the word, because he'd get first pick and he knows it.
It should be a really interesting couple of weeks.
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[05 Apr 2009|02:00am] |
Quit doing the only thing I asked you not to do. We both know I don't deserve it and my heart hardened enough after the first time that it doesn't affect me in the least. It just makes you look like even more of an asshole than you did before. You're a joke.
At least he had an excuse.
I haven't decided if I'm losing faith or gaining it.
I made a new friend. This one won't be like the others.
Damn that man for being so beautiful. Regardless of what I've been saying, he can expect a call next week.
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| 3.14159 |
[02 Apr 2009|09:07pm] |
You could have walked straight out of my dreams with a body like that and a face and eyes to match.
But I made a list when he left and I just checked it again, filling you in the blanks. You met every criteria... except three.
Those three were most important and I'm willing to wait for someone who meets them all (on a 6-or-so year delay).
Just "products on a shelf," you say? No, we're not that. I'm not that.
I'm a princess and an intellectual. Maybe I'm the oddball, but you're too afraid to try. My 5' 2" stature is intimidating for sure. ha.
If you don't change those thoughts, you'll be alone forever.
(Something tells me you won't mind that much.)
Sometimes it's better to leave the unreachable unreached and the untouchable untouched.
I liked you better when you were an idea.
I'll give you credit for two things... you still sound good and look better.
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[25 Mar 2009|12:46am] |
you're making this hard.
i really like the idea of you.
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[19 Mar 2009|08:54pm] |
YES to everything that's happening to me right now.
Practicing gratitude and reaping huge benefits.
This is just the thing I've been looking for.
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[12 Mar 2009|01:50pm] |
I'm still in disbelief.
This is so so good.
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| Too intrigued to say no... |
[10 Mar 2009|01:02pm] |
I'm just gonna go with it.
These weeks are always the most interesting.
You're just a coincidence.
This would happen to me.
I love my life.
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| I want to change the world- Instead I sleep. |
[09 Mar 2009|01:13am] |
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music |
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ingrid michaelson |
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24 hours. Standing. Awake. It's as hard as it sounds, but I'd do it again and again if I could. Those beautiful kids are so worth it. They are so much stronger than I'll ever be. I don't know why God has given them the challenges He has, but I can't help but believe He's an awesome God when I see the way He's healed them.
These days make me feel like there's a million options, yet none at all. It's an illusion.
The problem isn't that I can't find one, it's that I can't find one I want. (theme of my entire dating career, it seems.)
YOU said I was a heartbreaker... but maybe you could be willing to risk it?
Let's see what this week brings.
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| Happy birthday. |
[21 Feb 2009|05:10pm] |
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This is guaranteed to be the best one yet.
Goodbye teenage years. Time to grow up.
I'm so much more beautiful than I was with you...
Inside and out.
(I might have you to thank. maybe.)
If only you could see me now.
But you can't.
He can. And he's gonna like the view.
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[16 Feb 2009|12:27am] |
I can't get enough of this life that I live...
the girls, the drinks, the dizzy laughter of last night.
It's not just the fun though; it's the support and the tears of happiness and the knowing you can trust.
I am almost 20 years old and I am so proud of who I am and who I'm becoming.
One week... and this year I get to celebrate.
So many things in my life lately are determined by whether or not I'm ready for them. Do I feel old enough? Mature enough? Is my heart in a good enough state to handle it? Is my head clear enough for it? Am I doing it for the right reasons? Is it going to knock me out, or will I be able to keep up?
I'm ready for this.
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| guage |
[12 Feb 2009|04:09pm] |
I decide by how fast my heart beats... it's still pumping at a dangerous rate.
Guess I'm not as ready as I thought I was.
I am ready for this though. Let's go.
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